Communication in relationships

It wasn’t until I read The Conversation by Hill Harper that I realized how absent communication actually is from today’s relationships. My entire life I had been exposed to married couples, who simply do not communicate. When I say they don’t communicate, I don’t mean they don’t talk, I mean the two-way process of reaching mutual understanding, in which participants not only exchange (encode-decode) information but also create and share meaning, is not met. I myself have been in a relationship where I kept information locked up inside of me, information  that was necessary for the well-being  of my relationship all because I was afraid of consequences. Through this relationship I was ignorant to the importance of communication and the generational curse that I had allowed myself to conform to. My parents don’t communicate, my grandparents don’t communicate, The Conversation helped me to first become aware of this deadly cycle, and then it taught me how to stop it. Here is a video of a conversation between my mother and father.

Notice the attention span of my mother. The only word she says is hmm. She is so distracted by my little sister that by the end of the conversation she’s not even making eye contact with my father, yet he’s still talking. It looks as though he’s talking to himself. My mother seems bored and uninterested throughout the entire conversation. This is an example of how many of their conversations go. This video shows that my mother isn’t interested in what my father has to say, my fear is that ultimately they lose interest in each other all together. Communication is not only good for sharing ideas, but it keeps couples involved in each others lives, it keeps them interested in each other and it helps keep things new. After seeing this video I think my mother should practice better listening skills and actually listen to what my father has to say. This would make him feel first that she’s interested in him and second it would make him feel important, thus creating a stronger bond.

According to Dictionary.com, Communication is a two way process of mutual understanding, in which participants not only exchange information, but also create and share meaning. Communication is not only a verbal activity; it is a process that can be achieved through body language, sign language, texting, emails etc.  According to Divorce.com in an article called, Top 10 Reasons Marriages Fail, the first reason marriages fail is financial problems, and the second reason is communication problems. Why is it so hard for couples; both married and not married to communicate? My answer is they don’t know how. Behavior is learned, if children don’t see their parents practicing a healthy relationship, they themselves will not practice healthy relationships either. In chapter 7 of The Conversation, Linguistics scholar Deborah Tannen considers male-female conversation a form of cross cultural communication. Tannen literally compares male- female conversation to that of two people from two different cultures, two people who don’t even share the same perception of life or behaviors and beliefs characteristics. If this is true, then male- female communication is clearly not easy, In fact it is an activity that must be practiced in order to be effective. Chapter 7 of the conversation is called The Language of Men, this implies that men actually have their own language; ultimately, if you want to have an effective conversation with a man, you must first learn his language. In this chapter Hill talks about the traditional idea that men are not considered big talkers, in fact they are “doers” while woman are “feelers.” When women talk, they feel comfortable expressing their emotions while when men talk, it’s usually about something specific such as sports, business, and home repairs or making money. Hill says that men concern themselves with the mechanics not the emotions of these things. As a female I personally have encountered many conversations with men who find it hard to explain how they feel, they simply state the facts. For example Joe and I went to a Basketball game, when Joe was asked about the game, he simply said, “the Lakers won. When I was asked about the game I replied, “It was great, the Lakers won, there was so much adrenaline in the stadium, and I really enjoyed myself. Notice how Joe’s answer was clear and to the point while my answer expressed a little more emotion. Understanding that there is this huge barrier hindering the male- female conversation, learning the male language is key to first understanding the male species and then having effective communication in relationships.

According to Hill, when it comes to effectively communicating with men, how a woman says something is nearly as important as what she says. Delivery is everything. African-American women tend to display a lot of attitude when dealing with their partners. It’s almost as if they take the stereotype that all men are dogs literally, and take on the position of a dog owner in hopes of training their husbands to follow their rules, using them as protectors just as dogs are trained and used as body guards. Talking to your partner as if they are your child is a dead-end road. In talking to your partner, treat them with respect, make them feel important, in my opinion you are guaranteed to get a better response this way. Everybody likes to hear please and thank you, nobody likes to feel taken for granted. It’s important to be nice, ask questions nicely, and show gratitude once it’s done.

According to Hill, men universally dislike nagging, when women fish for compliments and when women drop hints. Hill expresses that there is a difference between having someone’s best interest at heart and aggressively forcing an agenda on someone. Sometimes females try to talk about certain things that they think are important with their partner; however their partner shows that the topic means nothing to them. Hill says the best thing to do in this situation is give it up; maybe he’s not ready to deal with it. He may not have told you he doesn’t want to talk about it, but his non verbal actions give enough clues to draw that conclusion. If it’s something that you feel you can’t put off, then maybe you should try another tactic to draw an answer out of your partner, maybe talk about something he’s interested in, and throw your question in the conversation while he’s in the talking mood. Fishing for compliments is another thing a lot of females do, however men hate. The famous “how do I look in this,” is a question that starts many arguments between couples because while the man literally thinks all his partner wants to know is how this particular dress looks, many times the female isn’t looking for that type of answer. Instead she’s looking for a self-esteem boost. Hill says in order to avoid disagreements, the female should be upfront and state her self-esteem issues, rather than indirectly forcing her partner to make her feel better about herself. This is what communication is all about, expressing exactly how you feel, making sure your partner understands exactly what you mean, in order to receive the response you want. Too many times in relationships, too much is left un said, one person wants to know something about his/her partner but instead of asking the question directly, they try to drag the answer out in other ways, this usually ends in a big misunderstanding. Unfortunately guys don’t always pick up on hints women try to drop, so being direct is the most effective way to get your desired response.

Talking to someone you care about should not be hard work, if it does become hard, maybe your partner, through their silence is trying to tell you something. This is not always a sign that your partner wants out, sometimes men withdraw due to stress. Women run to talk to their girlfriends when they’re experiencing a stressful situation, but for men, it’s not as easy to run for help. Ultimately communication is important in order to be an effective participant in a relationship. Unfortunately humans can’t read minds, and making an assumption is a dead-end road, so being direct is the best way to go. But what attracts a certain man to a certain woman in the first place? I interviewed a few men on this very same subject and here is what I got…

Interview with Howard Buford, 37 years old, married 10.5 years

1. What do guys look for in deciding whether to commit or not?
I think it’s a number of circumstances that lead to a brother deciding to commit to his lady. Physical attraction is generally where it starts. That’s not enough though. A brother also has to feel the woman has some degree of self-respect – she cannot be so easy to get and at the same time she must be approachable and attainable. He has to feel she is “down for him” and won’t violate or disrespect in a time of weakness. Ultimately I believe she must be your friend. That being said, many times I think it is an extenuating circumstance that in the end “pushes him over the edge (to commitment)” so to speak. A pregnancy, mid-life crisis, sickness, or the transcendence of some mutual strenuous situation frequently is the catalyst for a man to settle down with a woman he believes is worthy.

2. What do you think makes a man commit to one woman but not another?
I think parts of this answer is implied above but…it could be a half and half attraction; women is seen as being too loose or not our “ideal”; immaturity; may not fulfill us sexually; not seen as a potentially “good mother”. I also believe sometimes men are intimidated by women who may have her stuff together more than them… I think its super complex.

3. What are some things that get on your last nerves when you are dating or in a serious relationship? I didn’t like being expected to pay for everything. My moms raised me old school and I WILL do it – I just hate the expectation of it. I didn’t like when women tried to control me or pressure me to be more serious than I wanted at that time. I don’t like jealousy and games (even though I was guilty of this at times too).

Interview with Isiah Melton, 23 years old, longest relationship 5 years

1. What do you think makes a man commit to one woman but not another?  I think what makes a man commit to one women and only women is the emotional bond that he has with her.

2. What do guys look for in deciding whether to commit or not? I believe guys look for consistency and stability.
3. What are some things that get on your last nerves when you are dating or in a serious relationship? Lack of communication.  Lack of honesty.  Lack of manners.

I had a conversation with some people about some of the things Hill talked about in his book. Here is how it went..

So how do we fix this communication glitch? We become more direct. We take the time to pick up on non verbal signs that many guys tend to give off, we take into consideration that males, by nature are not as expressive as females. We make females feel appreciated, we practice friendship and we respect each other. It’s definitely not an easy task, but it’s an important task in making sure that couples can stay together and hopefully last forever.

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